Lowe’s Quietly Cancels Rental Truck Program

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
11/02/2017 at 10:18 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire, Truck

Citing no specific recent incidents in particular, Lowe’s CEO Robert Niblock announced Thursday the closure of the Lowe’s rental truck program at all 2,300 participating locations.

Niblock: “Because reasons.”

“We regret to announce, for no particular reason so please don’t even speculate here, the cessation of our truck rental program effective immediately,” Mr. Niblock stated in an early morning press conference. “The Lowe’s family simply does not believe that offering $20 all-inlcusive truck rentals with minimal documentation is a good policy.”

Since the program’s inception in 2002, industry analysts estimate that Lowe’s trucks have been rented over four million times. Many customers have applauded the stores’ simple, no-questions-asked policy and flat fee, which includes gasoline and mileage. Unlike traditional truck rental services like those from U-Haul and Penske, customers can be in & out of the store in five to 10 minutes with no background check.

Niblock elaborated that while customers love the convenience, he was happy to cede this important piece of the market to another competitor whose name he can’t remember at the moment.

“We’d much rather see our customers get creative with loading their own cars – cars that don’t have the Lowe’s name clearly displayed on the side. We understand that there is some liability in encouraging this, but Lowe’s does offer a full line of rope, cord, and tie-down straps, both ratcheting and traditional,” Mr. Niblock continued.

MkIII 4lYf3!!1

When asked by reporters what Lowe’s plans to do with its fleet of over 3,000 heavy-duty pickup trucks, he replied the company is in negotiations with a Syrian non-profit called “Operation Dually Noted” which provides reliable transportation to those in need throughout the Middle East.

“We have no fear of these trucks falling into the wrong hands, since we have engaged a local Russian consulting firm to ensure fair distribution of the products around the region.”

DISCUSSION (16)

Tripper > Ash78, voting early and often
11/02/2017 at 10:22

I hate this sort of “logic”.

Arrivederci > Ash78, voting early and often
11/02/2017 at 10:22

Dammit Ash - you had me until the end (then I scrolled back up and saw the username).

Chariotoflove > Ash78, voting early and often
11/02/2017 at 10:26

“Operation Dually Noted”. Nice.

Tekamul > Ash78, voting early and often
11/02/2017 at 10:31

But I can stihl rent chainsaws, right? Like, a lot of them? And wood chippers? Asking for a friend.

Mercedes Streeter > Ash78, voting early and often
11/02/2017 at 10:37

“Operation Dually Noted”

Kinja'd!!!

Seriously Ash, keep up the good work. I deeply enjoy this Oppo satire.

If I may make a suggestion, if there so happens to be some sort of big transgender-related attack or something in the news, consult me first before whipping up an awesome post. It’s hard to get trans satire right and many resort to just parroting what TERFs say and that’s just...eww. :)

Tripper > Tripper
11/02/2017 at 10:42

I’ve been had

Ash78, voting early and often > Mercedes Streeter
11/02/2017 at 10:43

No worries...I’m always trying to be careful, even if some of my stuff has been suddenly deleted. Thanks for offering to be my editor. Most of these are one draft and done, so things could slip through.

Ash78, voting early and often > Tekamul
11/02/2017 at 10:47

Only at the Fargo and Brainerd locations.